This is “the most wonderful time of the year”, of course it is.
Everyone is completely stressed about money, family, work, how much food they eat, seeing their relatives and just about anything else you can think of. Making sure their kids get the right presents, the best presents, or ANY presents! This time of year is supposed to be full of love and spirit and cheer. But for a lot of us, this season sucks, and here’s my reasons why.
6. Traffic – Mall traffic, weekend traffic, “holiday” traffic. Dude, just fucking drive. Pull off the road. Get into the Mall parking lot and go melt your brain in the Abercrombie & Fitch store for six hours. Just get out of my way. I’m sorry Prancer got hit by a car and is laying on the side of the road. Santa’s Sleigh is nowhere to be seen, so stop rubbernecking. Maybe he shouldn’t have been prancing across the road anyway. There is a bar stool with my name on it somewhere. MOVE!
5. Being PC – I don’t give a shit if you’re Jewish, Catholic, Christian, Atheist or a Satan Worshipper. It’s Christmas. It’s Chanukah (or Hanukkah, I never know which). It’s Kwanza. It’s Flag Pole day or whatever the hell else you want to celebrate. Don’t tell me it’s a “Holiday Tree”, it’s a Fucking Christmas Tree. I’m not making up names for the Menora, or the Festivus Pole. Call it what it is and don’t be such a douchebag. If someone says Merry Christmas to me and I don’t celebrate Christmas, I’ll say “Thanks, you too!” They are being polite and pleasant. Accept the greeting and offer one back. Don’t be a d-bag. Happy Chanukah to you too! Merry Stripper Pole. It’s a Festivus for the rest of us… Right? Cut the politically correct BS and be real. It’s screwing with our kids. Teams lose. Not everybody wins. That’s what makes you strive to be better. Jesus! Whoops… I guess that goes with Christmas right? Cool, I’m ok then. Happy Chrismahaunnakwanzikah!
4. Music – Do we have to listen to the same 20 songs every freaking year? So cheery and happy and full of shit! I mean, seriously. Let’s burn some of the old songs and come up with some new fake happy stuff, can we? I’m sure Miley would be a great choice for a positive Holiday message this year. Maybe she can just change Wrecking Ball to Jingle Balls or something honest like that.
3. The Salvation Army Bells – How annoying are these things? Nobody wants to drop money in your bucket, because I’m pretty sure you’re skimming off the top at the end of the day. Your constant bell ringing with one hand while you text on your phone with the other hand is not really putting me in the “Spirit of Giving” mood. Shove the bell up your ass and leave me alone.
2. Visiting Relatives – I love my family, honestly I do. However, I hate having to go to multiple houses over the holidays. It is agonizing. Making merry and listening to those same 20 songs again, and getting the kids all wrapped up, in the car, and over to one house or another is a pain staking process. There is not enough egg nog in the world to make this any more pleasant… and why am I drinking eggs with booze? Skip the eggs, just give me the bottle of Amaretto!
1. Chocolate covered everything – Usually this would be on my positive list. However, there is such an excess of food hanging around this time of year and everything has chocolate on it. Chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered almonds, chocolate coins, chocolate kisses, chocolate Santas, slippers, remotes, TV’s… oh wait. Sorry about that. I got into a little chocolate coma there.
I love the holidays and my family, I really do. But, can we please just be done with it already? The Holiday…. excuse me, the Christmas decorations were up the day after Halloween this year and I’m ready to move on.
Bring on 2014!